Category: Mental Wellness

From Guest Contributor: Kristine Loh (SWE President, 2018)

Growing up in a “traditional Chinese” household, I was taught that for a woman, humility comes first. My parents emphasized that for women, it’s important to be quiet, obedient, and humble. In fact, women should keep most things to themselves, including opinions, beliefs, and successes. This is what their parents taught them, and what their grandparents taught their parents, so on and so forth. No one likes an arrogant person, and even if you’re good at something, there’s always someone out there who’s better. Unfortunately, what my parents intended to be a lesson in humility turned into my inner demon of deeply internalized perfectionism and a pattern of denying my success. 

When my parents tried to teach me to be humble, I understood it as “sharing your success is bad, keeping it to yourself is good.” To them, bad things happen to good people, and if other people knew about your success, you might be a target (or just plain disliked). They wanted to protect me from dangerous, potentially jealous people. For example, if a family friend directly complimented me on something I did, my parents would brush it off and say “but look at all of the things Kristine’s bad at, she’s not the perfect daughter.” However, when I wasn’t there, my parents would sing praises. It was confusing. Granted, being an Asian-American is confusing. It’s hard to balance traditional views of how women should conduct themselves with current American ideals of being a strong, independent woman. Long story short, now, when someone compliments me on a success, I brush it off and usually say that it wasn’t a big deal. Most often, I say “I tried my best” instead of fully accepting the compliment. In times like these, I remember one of my favorite movies, Mean Girls. Please see the GIF below. 

I’ve always had this fear in the back of my mind that if I completely agree with someone’s compliment, or if I didn’t return a compliment, people would see me as arrogant or just full of myself. Because of this fear, I’ve struggled with self-doubt throughout college. I’ve hidden my success to not seem arrogant, and because I hide my success, I often forget about it. It’s not very healthy, and it’s especially not helpful in award applications or interviews, where you’re literally supposed to brag about yourself. 

One of my darkest moments was after a faculty member tore my application for a prestigious scholarship apart, questioning whether I even wanted the scholarship. (To be fair, I wasn’t very good at bragging about myself, please see the previous paragraph.) She pretty much ended her review suggesting that I don’t actually know what I’m doing, but rather people just told me what to do and I went through with it. She is one of the reasons why I have internalized imposter syndrome, because she literally told me I don’t know what I’m doing. I didn’t win the scholarship, and since then, I’ve had a really hard time being kind to myself. 

In October, I participated in a Self-Compassion Workshop hosted by Drexel’s Counseling Center, per my counselor’s recommendation. She recognized that I had a hard time dealing with perfectionism, and I needed help. WOW – this workshop made me deal with my demons in ways I never thought I could. We learned about self-compassion breaks, which systematically helped us deal with times of pain and suffering. As an engineer, I appreciated having a list of steps I could refer to when my brain wasn’t being nice. The most impactful exercise we did was an inner child exercise, where we visualized a time where we were in pain as a child, and imagined an older version of ourselves comforting the hurting child (even writing this now, it’s hard to hold back tears). Actually, that exercise is what inspired me to write this blog post. This exercise unearthed all of the pain I felt growing up, and how that pain continues to impact me today. Loving yourself and being kind to yourself takes time and conscious effort if you aren’t doing it currently, and sometimes, we all need a bit of help. I would highly recommend attending the self-compassion workshop, as I think we could always learn to love ourselves a bit more.

After participating in the workshop, I can safely say that I’m much better about accepting my success and knowing my worth. Thinking back on that dark moment, I realize now that I forgot some pretty important facts. I forgot that I was hand-picked to apply for this scholarship, and not everyone gets the chance to apply. I forgot that I had supporters who knew about my research capability, and who cheered me on (and continue to cheer me on) even when I fail. I forgot that this scholarship is one of the most competitive scholarships in the U.S., and obviously, not everyone wins it. This workshop taught me to take care of myself instead of hurting myself further. Now, I use self-compassion when I feel the self-doubt slowly creeping up. If you take anything away from this dump of feelings, please know that you are always worthy of love, especially from yourself. 

From Guest Contributor: Kerianne Chen (SWE President, 2019)

When I transitioned back into classes after co-op this year, I found it especially difficult. Between co-op, summer classes (which were very relaxed), and studying abroad last year, I had not been in real classes in 18 months. I had little to no motivation to actually get my work done, pushing every little assignment off until the last second, resulting in poorer quality work, and ultimately left me a very stressed out and anxious person. While this term has not been my hardest academically, I have definitely struggled the most with finding my motivation.

After a week or two, I finally felt more comfortable with my schedule, and began actually making time to do homework each day rather than pushing it off. I found that instead of keeping a long running list of all the tasks I needed to get done for school, for SWE, for life (a very long and daunting list!), I found that sectioning each of the tasks off works much better for me. I now have a digital sticky note with what tasks I need to work on each day of the week. If I have a homework assignment, I try to split it between two days, one to start and get an understanding how long it will take me, and a second to complete it (usually the night before it’s due). I still have moments when I look at the list and my brain says “no” but it is easier for me to pick something small to work on so that I feel accomplished. If I plan well enough, I usually have one day a week that I don’t do any class work outside of actually attending my classes. That time is important for me to unwind – watch TV or play video games for too many hours, read a book in a sunny spot, or take a nap with my cat.

The bane of my existence this term has been a 3,000-5,000 word research paper. It is for a 2 credit class that is required for graduation, but has caused me more stress than any of my 3-4 credit core Civil Engineering classes. Through some basic research, the proposal and abstract were not too difficult to write – it was basically just writing the intro of a paper and then giving up (which is what I wanted to do). Then came the draft. I told my advisor I would get him a draft by Sunday or Monday, and avoided it all weekend, until Sunday evening. After complaining to my boyfriend that I was quitting school, a tearful call with my mom fleshing out paragraph ideas, and a short night’s sleep, I did it. A first draft! It was only approximately 2,000 words, but it existed, and I had started with nothing. Taking my draft to the writing center helped to validate my writing, as the peer tutor said that it was a solid paper, and helped give me some areas to work on expanding my thoughts. While I still have to work out the second draft and final paper, I feel a little more confident that I can do it.

So now what? Well it’s true – procrastination is best conquered by just starting. Start small, pick a chunk of the assignment that you can handle doing. And if you feel like I did, that there is no reasonable section you can do – talk to someone who can help you work through. Take it one step at a time, and take short breaks when you finish a section. Each time I finished writing a section of my draft, I set a timer for 10 minutes, and walked around, looked at social media, or had a snack. I hope that this may help someone else who is feeling overwhelmed with an assignment. It will probably be difficult, but you can do it. Even if isn’t your best work, you should be proud that you completed something that you had trouble with, and remember it next time you are struggling to get started on something.

I’ve spent the past few weeks thinking about the best way to address Mental Health Awareness Month on this blog. Mental wellness is such an important aspect of our mission as the wellness committee and therefore, I wanted to do it proper justice. I jotted down some ideas and for most of the month have been reflecting pretty heavily on my own mental health with the hopes of figuring out the “right” thing to write. Over time, I realized that with all the stigmas surrounding mental health, sometimes the best way to start the conversation is to be open and candid with others. So, that is what I am going to attempt to do by telling you some of my own mental health experiences. It may never be the “right” or “perfect” thing to say, but I hope that by saying anything, I can have an impact on someone and get the conversation turned towards mental health awareness.

Before even really starting, I have to say that I struggled with the idea of having “my own mental health experiences”. In my mind, I always downplay some of my struggles thinking “oh but I have never been diagnosed with…” or “oh but I have never tried to…”, which leads to “so I can’t really say that…”, which is a problem in and of itself. No mental health obstacle is insignificant. Just because someone else you know might have stories, feelings, or experiences that you may consider “more severe” doesn’t mean that yours are invalid or not important to address. Mental health looks different to everyone, and the size or scale of your lived experience can not be compared to that of others.

**PREFACE OVER**

For years I’ve struggled to love my body. It feels weird to write that despite the fact that I know I am not alone. Like many females I know, it started in my early middle school years when I was concerned about when I would get boobs or the fact that I would gain weight and then suddenly grow (my mother had to move the buttons on my uniform skirt to match the current state of my fluctuating body). Since then I’ve had good days and bad. It doesn’t typically have defining moments when it changes from good to bad, so I’ve never really known when it will hit me. Through the years I’ve tried many things to address how I felt about my body — some were good, such as joining Positive Body Image and Support Group for Girls in high school, while others were bad, such as agreeing to text my friend everything that I ate to hold myself accountable. (That last one is something that lasted for a while and I am not proud of it.) Despite all of this, nothing drastically changed. ~Fast forward to freshman year of college~ I stayed fairly active, playing field hockey and lifting at the gym. However, I’d be lying if I told you I wasn’t struggling with my overwhelming desire to purchase and consume an entire pint of Ben & Jerry’s from Northside every day and then feeling like garbage. I don’t think I necessarily gained the freshman fifteen, but mentally I felt like I did.

One day, I went for a 4 mile run after not having run for a bit. During that run I thought, “I could run further if I trained. I think I could even run a half marathon.” Please note, I never had any running aspirations before this very moment. In fact, I had previously hated running, but suddenly I was on a mission. I signed up and trained religiously for 6 months. I felt like a new person. Sometimes towards the end of my runs, I would get emotional thinking about accomplishing my goal. I loved this new me. I felt strong and powerful. Even better, this new me felt like anything was possible and I could accomplish goals that I had never even dared to dream before. This didn’t mean that all of my insecurities magically went away, but it helped a lot. Then Summer rolled around (*cue the ominous duh-duh-duh*). For a lot of people, I know the change in weather is stressful — smaller clothing, the “beach bod”, the sweat (so. much. sweat.). Personally, I think I own one pair of shorts that I feel comfortable in other than my running shorts. Although being on co-op meant that I wasn’t wearing shorts all that often. Regardless, a lot of my insecurities and negativity came flooding back as the amount of time I could dedicate to exercise dwindled with my increasing responsibilities at work.

This time of my life seemed drastically different than before. I could not get out of my head, and it was affecting my personal relationships as well as my relationship with the greater female population. I began a viscous practice of comparing myself to others to try and make me feel better. I remember thinking, “Well at least I…” or “I’m glad I don’t *insert negative thought about someone else’s body*”. Now many of you reading this might think that I sound like a mean person, and I would agree with you. During that time of my life, my brain was being mean to me and especially mean to those around me. Even if I never verbalized those thoughts, I regret having them and wish I could apologize to everyone I’ve ever done that to because nothing was wrong with any of those people and no one deserves that. It was my mindset that was wrong. It was truly a secret, ugly characteristic. At this point, I’d like to say that I think this is a moment in time that shows how unpleasant the road to body positivity and self love can be. It isn’t a very scenic route, but rather it has potholes and trash and it gives you the worst road rage you’ve ever experienced. I know that isn’t fun to imagine or hear about, but that is exactly why I am writing this–because we need to talk about it no matter how hard it is.

Recently, in a conversation about mental health with an important older woman in my life, I disclosed that many women that I know had previously inflicted self harm at points in their life. This woman stopped walking and grabbed my arm to examine it. Upon finding nothing more than a few stray freckles she remarked, “we are so lucky that we didn’t have to deal with that”. Now this woman is incredibly smart, so I thought that was a pretty naive thing for her to say given that not all scars are visible — mental and emotional scars are very real and present for many people. PLUS, loving yourself is an ongoing process/battle. We are never really done “dealing with it.” Just because you don’t physically see that someone is struggling, does not mean that they aren’t. Lean into those conversations and make it known that you are open to listening, someone to lean on, and most importantly an ally and advocate for those who need one.

A few weeks ago, I ran another half marathon. Along the route, I joked with my dad saying “smile” everytime we passed a camera. No one really looks good at mile 12 or 7 or 2 for that matter, but fake it ‘til you make it, right? However, when I got the link to my pictures, it wasn’t my smile that my eyes were immediately drawn to. “Oh my gosh my legs look so big” I thought. “Ugh why did I wear that bulky raincoat? It isn’t flattering.”. So I stepped back and took a beat. 1. You wore a raincoat because it was raining. 2. Those legs are the same legs that carried you 13.1 miles and set a new personal record. They are strong. What you are looking at is muscle. Love them. Be grateful for them. Cherish their abilities. This is my new strategy for when I am feeling upset about my body. I think of all that it allows me to accomplish and I work on being grateful.

These are just some snippets and stories of moments in my life where I wanted to love myself more or how I tried to change my mindset or the conversation I was having (internally and externally) about mental health. It doesn’t cover the panic attacks that I sometimes have or the germaphobia that makes me wash my hands repeatedly or the OCD that has me put a cup down on a table 9 times just to get it to land perfectly and be positioned correctly. These tend to crop up at stressful times in my life. Honestly, I think I’d benefit from talking to a therapist, maybe even just once. Yet, I can’t seem to get myself there. I’ve thought about it and then I put it off until things seem better. I “talk the talk” telling others that it is okay to not be okay, encouraging them to reach out if they need help, or telling them that they should embrace therapy without shame. One day I hope I can “walk the walk” too.

Please take time this month to check in with yourself and those around you.

With each new term at Drexel, I have the same feeling I do at the start of each new calendar year. It is fitting then, that I like to make resolutions or goals for the upcoming few months. These goals are in a wide range of categories from academic, to career, to health goals, to political engagement and environmental conservation. By breaking up my goals per term, they are a lot easier chip away at than when made on New Year’s Eve or Day. Often, those goals—made with the hindsight of the year before and the hope of the year to come—feel insurmountable a few days later. However, if i take those goals and break them up into more achievable pieces that I can tackle each term, it allows me to feel like I have made significant process and that motivates me to continue. That doesn’t mean that I achieve all of them or that they are easy, but approaching them is a bit less daunting. This process also provides me with a space to reflect on the past term, while actively planning for the one ahead of me. As important as planning is, reflection is an often neglected part of our growing process that is so important! This reflection can be on the last term, the last 6 months, or my last co-op as I prepare to start a new one. I have included some examples below.

Reflections:

1. During the past 6 months, I have seriously struggled to get sufficient sleep due to a number of factors, including an inconsistent sleep schedule.
2. I tended to stop running during stressful weeks of the term in the Winter, which didn’t make me feel less stressed, but rather, more stressed.
3. Last co-op, I felt fairly isolated from people as I was not used to being in an office rather than a social, college campus.

Goals for Spring Term:

1. Establish a more consistent sleep schedule. Aim to get 7-8 hours of sleep.
2. Aim to Run 3x per week until field hockey ends and then reevaluate exercise schedule.
3. Find ways to easily socialize with people over co-op.

How Will I Work to Achieve This?:

1. I will turn my phone on Do Not Disturb at 10pm. I will alter my sleep schedule in my FitBit so that it reminds me to go to sleep earlier.
2. I will plan what days I am running at the beginning of each week. I will have my running clothes and equipment out and ready to be used when I get home from work or for when I wake up in the morning.  
3. I will sit with people at lunch at work. I will establish certain nights of the week that I come home from work and see friends.

These are just some examples of the process that I like to go through. Your process may look different—everyone needs to find what works for them! If you have a method for your goal making process, please comment it below! If you have goals you’d like to share, please also comment them below!